Penis for a day

During my final semester at high school I was introduced to the Freudian term “Penis Envy” which Freud explains as a girl’s reaction to not having her own wiggly wang. I am assuming this is normal for most girls since I am almost certain that I reacted in some way when I found out things were a bit different down there. HOWEVER, Freud goes on to say pretty absurd things like:

*Soon after the libidinal shift to the penis, the child develops her first sexual impulses towards her mother.

*The girl realizes that she is not physically equipped to have a sexual relationship with her mother, as she has a clitoris, labia and vagina, rather than a penis.

*She desires a penis, and the power that it represents. This is described as penis envy. She sees the solution as obtaining her father’s penis. *She develops a sexual desire for her father.

*The girl blames her mother for her apparent castration (what she sees as punishment by the mother for being attracted to the father) assisting a shift in the focus of her sexual impulses from her mother to her father.

*Sexual desire for her father leads to the desire to replace and eliminate her mother.

(Taken from Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_envy)

In non-Freudian lingo that girl is called CRAZY. Who the heck actually thinks like that? (that was rhetorical so please don’t respond)

Anyhow, what made me start with that whole educational spiel is that, on occasion, I tend to wonder what the capabilities of a penis are. Simple questions like “Can it do this, or that?” So, last night I was thinking what I’d actually do if I had my own penis for a day ( and, no, I don’t want yours). If I was given this opportunity and the thing is safely attached and functioning I would immediately start to dance as wildly as a I can to see if it flops around. Afterwards, I would conduct the following experiments to answer the questions I’ve always had:

Experiment #1: See if I can fold it in half (lengthwise). If this works, fold it into thirds.

Experiment #2: Which pictures stimulate it most. Does it even matter just as long as it has a vageegee?

Experiment #3: Drink a gallon of water, hold urine until it becomes unbearable, and release with as much peeing force as I can muster. Does it move like an unrestrained garden hose?

Experiment #4: Take a long, hot bath. Does it shrivel up like a raisin?

Experiment #5: Ask someone to kick these nuts ( I assume the penis will come with other necessary parts). How does the pain compare to menstrual cramps?